Silent Screaming.

[Ryou solo]

The former brunette stared blankly at the mirror, twisting a lock of his now golden blond hair around his fingers. The change was only a few shades lighter, but it looked good. Not that he even saw his reflection at the moment, anyway. The bruises had faded, and the burns were healing; it no longer hurt to move, but the pain was far from gone.

It festered inside him, like maggots. Maybe the feelings (of imminent, internal collapse) would never disappear.

Maybe he'd never get over it. He was so good at fucking up, anyway.

Maybe...it just wasn't worth it...?

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

He couldn't just forget, after all.

...Milk...

Where was his friend? Ryou had stupidly lost his phone a few weeks ago, and along with it, Milk's number. It didn't help that he had no idea where the model lived, or even his real name. There was no way to reach his friend unless he relied on the luck of a chance meeting somewhere, and the blond whore no longer believed in luck.

...Where are you?...

He felt cut off from the one person he was just beginning to care about, and there was no way to fix it.

It was just another spear in his side now, bleeding under the skin where no one could see.

...I miss you...

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

It had been many weeks after that traumatic incident, and yet Ryou's sleep was still interrupted almost every night. Sometimes, the dreams were okay, or even good, but they still jarred him awake.

And when the dreams were nightmares...

The young whore would wake with a scream stuck in his throat, cutting off his air, and the cold sweat that covered his body made him feel as if he were drowning, and the tangle of sheets smothered him.

The lack of sleep was taking its toll, and Ryou struggled every day just to get out of bed. Even the fact that he needed the money wasn't enough incentive lately, and the constant worry that he'd be tossed to the curb for taking up space certainly didn't help. Of course, his sempai and others tried to reassure him, but he knew he was useless. And he couldn't seem to snap out of it; the concern just made everything worse.

Giving up and ending it never occurred to Ryou, though few would probably miss him; he'd keep going, because he didn't know what else to do. Thinking too much about the future scared the blond, because there was so much he couldn't understand, and had no way of dealing with. Things that other people dealt with daily without pause stopped him cold with a wall of confusion, no matter how hard he tried to learn.

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Even something as simple as going out to the corner store was terrifying. When before it had just been a concern about getting lost, now every shadow seemed to loom up to chase him, and every person on the street seemed to be staring at him, or following his every move. But, of course, they weren't, though Ryou couldn't convince himself that his fears were silly anymore.

Not after...that happened.

Everything had changed so much, even if he had tried to return to his usual routine. Nothing was the same anymore. Even if he tried his hardest, he kept screwing something up, no matter how simple it was.

He was such a failure.

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

He just couldn't deal with it.

He couldn't be strong all the time.

Not when he felt so weak. So vulnerable. So...fragile.

His hands gripped his upper arms, the knuckles white against the pale gray of his sweatshirt as he bowed his head. Even after he'd stopped showing his skin, he didn't feel safe. Hell, he didn't even feel safe in his own bed. He felt as if he were fraying at the edges like the hems of his black jeans, each thread slowly unraveling.

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Sinking into his desk chair, Ryou stared at the desk with glassy eyes, not seeing the clutter in front of him -- scribbled notes, pens of different colors, various accessories and cosmetics, a hairbrush.

Nothing mattered.

Releasing the tight grip on his arms, the young whore sighed heavily and slouched in the chair. He knew that if he didn't somehow manage to shape up soon that people would start getting mad at him. No one's patience was infinite, after all, and he couldn't afford to be so useless to those whom he owed so much.

Though he knew he was always going to disappoint people, he couldn't stop trying to please them anyway.

Even if they hurt him.

Even if they tossed him out on the streets

Even if they left him with nothing.

He'd still endure, somehow. He always did.

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

- Right Here Waiting, Richard Marx